I had regularly attended Pride celebrations in my home city of Vancouver, but it had always been with my gay male friends, and straight female friends. I also spent a number of years working at Pride as a performer, and experienced tons of fun weekends on stage dancing with drag queens. I always had a blast, and I always felt comfortable in that space. However, when it came time to attend Pride as a lesbian with my new girlfriend, I was filled with anxiety.

Steph and I had been dating for 6 months when our first Pride together rolled around. She had been my only reference for lesbian things, and I’d spent the last half of a year taking a crash course. We binge watched The L Word, I met her gay hockey teammates, and I tried to get to know other lesbian couples. I entered this new world tentatively, and I really didn’t know if I would ever feel comfortable in it.

When I was introduced to people in the community, they usually didn’t care to even learn my name. Steph was my first girlfriend, I was in my early twenties, and I’m as femme as they come. All of these truths seemed to mean that I didn’t belong. It appeared as though everyone thought I was going through a college age “phase”, and that poor Steph was going to have her heart broken. Inside, I was bursting to defend myself. I knew I had finally figured out who I was, and being with Steph just felt right. Of course at that time, I didn’t know for sure we would live happily ever after (spoiler alert – we did!), but I knew I wanted to be with her. And I knew I was gay.

I present as very feminine, and it made it impossible to convince anybody that I belonged. I grappled with a constant need to prove my gayness, and tried to wiggle my way into a community I so desperately wanted to be a part of. Up until that point in my life, I had never felt a strong sense of belonging. I’d dated men and had a couple of boyfriends, but I always felt different because I liked girls. When I met Steph and came out as a lesbian, I think I just expected to waltz across a rainbow and be welcomed by the gay community with open arms. I was really startled when that didn’t happen.

During my first Vancouver Pride with Steph, we attended a big lesbian party together. I stressed about what to wear and how to act, and I was nervous to be around so many other gay women. At the party, I managed to get hit on by a straight guy (don’t ask me why he was even there). Steph jumped in to explain that we were a couple, and I remember feeling like a complete imposter.

In the years following, Pride continued to be a worrying time for me. I always wanted to just relax and enjoy myself, but I would often end up feeling emotional and withdrawn. I struggled to own my space in the community, and to include myself when I didn’t feel included by others. I was in constant fear that everyone thought I was a fraud. I would tear up watching the parade each year, knowing that being gay was a huge part of me, even if nobody else could see it.

It’s been 8 years since my first Pride weekend with Steph, and I would be lying if I said that these feelings don’t still come up. Though today, I think I can finally say that I don’t feel the need to change who I am to fit into the club. People might always assume that I’m straight. Men may never believe that I have a wife. Other lesbians may still think that I’m too femme to belong. And I think I’m okay with it all. I’ve learned so much about myself in these past 8 years, and I’ve learned to love and accept myself in ways that I never thought possible.

I love that I’m a feminine woman who loves women. I love that I’m married to an incredible woman. I love that I’ve been in a monogamous same-sex relationship for 8 and a half years, and it’s been the healthiest, most fulfilling relationship I could have ever dreamed of. I’ve learned to claim my space in a community that I’m incredibly proud to be a part of. I’ve learned that I don’t need permission from anyone to feel like I’m gay enough. I don’t need anyone’s approval, and I don’t need to fit anybody’s idea of what a lesbian is or should be.

Last year at Vancouver Pride, Steph and I attended that same lesbian party. It was the first time I ever wore a dress to a Pride event, and I showed up unapologetically as my femme self. I am a part of the community because I decide to be a part of it. I’ve found acceptance because I’ve accepted myself. This year and every year following, I’m going to remind myself that I do belong.

The post Coming Out as a Femme Lesbian appeared first on Lez See the World.

I came out when I was 22 years old, and I had just started dating Steph. (You can read the story of how we met here). She was my first girlfriend, and in a way, our new relationship made it easy to come out to my family and friends. Instead of telling everyone I was gay, I just told them I was in a new relationship and it was with someone named Steph. I casually called my Mom up and told her I had started dating somebody, and it was a girl. I texted my Dad and told him I might bring somebody to the next family dinner, and her name was Steph. I didn’t have a heavy conversation with anyone. At the time, I wasn’t really thinking about the weight of it all, but looking back I realize what a huge event coming out was in my life. It changed me and shaped my entire future, and now I can see how important it was and necessary that it happened. How can any of us be truly happy, until we are living our lives openly and honestly? I truly believe that uncovering these amazing truths about ourselves and celebrating the things that make us different, is the most brave and powerful thing we can do. 

My very close friends knew about my whole journey, and they were so happy when I met Steph. I had been struggling with the idea that I might be bisexual or a lesbian, because I knew something had really been missing from my past relationships with men. I knew that I liked women but I had never met one that I wanted to be in a relationship with, so I wondered if it was even possible for me to fall in love with a girl. I did a lot of reading about sexuality, and I tried to put a label on what I was feeling so I could better understand it all. I remember texting my best friend one night saying, “What if I’m gay!?” And her response was, “Then you’re gay.” Simply and matter of fact. It was the most amazing thing she could have said, and of course she was right. If I was gay then I was gay, and I would just continue on living life accordingly.

I grew up knowing that it was okay to be gay, and I had a lot of gay male friends. Being a dancer and a model, I was often surrounded by gay men, but I didn’t know any gay women. I have to wonder how much quicker I could have figured out my own sexuality if there had been more lesbian representation in my early life. Especially feminine lesbians that I maybe could have identified with. As a teenager and young adult I had pretty much accepted that I would end up marrying a man, and that there would always be a big hole in the relationship that I would be constantly longing to fill. I really thought that would be my life.

When I met Steph, things really clicked into place. All of a sudden everything shifted, and the beliefs I had about love and relationships all changed. I found a woman who I wanted to spend all my time with, who I was attracted to, who I felt deeply connected to, and who I could really love. I was able to picture my life with her, and I knew right away that it would be complete. There would be no holes, and nothing missing. I never hesitated to tell everyone about Steph, and at the time, I wasn’t really thinking of the heaviness of what it meant. I was just excited to share my new relationship.

Of course without having really realized it, I was coming out. And I had to then proceed to answer all sorts of questions about my new relationship, and how it changed things. “Is this your first time dating a girl?”, “Did you always know you liked women?, “Does this mean you’re gay?”. I also heard some of the usual “This is just a phase”, “She’s just doing this for attention”, “She’s too feminine to be gay”, and “Her life will be harder now”. In all honesty, all of it really hurt. When you finally discover this amazing part of yourself that has been hiding for your entire life, all you want to do is share it with the world and have everyone embrace it. You want the people who love you to love this part of you, and to understand it and celebrate it.

Unfortunately not everyone will. I am far more fortunate that many, but I still had people close to me in my life that didn’t support Steph and I. They treated her in ways that I know they would have never treated my boyfriend or husband. They didn’t accept us and embrace us, and they wouldn’t stand with us on our wedding day. Coming out really changed me, and with it my life changed, and the relationships with the people in my life changed. I gained a new understanding of myself, and with it, a new confidence and sense of peace. I was growing into my true self, and many people accepted these changes in me, but some didn’t. I’ve let go of my anger towards those people, and I’ve sorted through my hurt feelings, because I know that living my truth is the most important thing.

I think I surprised a lot of people by coming out, because I didn’t fit the typical lesbian stereotype. I’m very feminine. I have long hair and I like wearing makeup. I love getting dressed up and wearing skirts and heels. I’m a professional dancer and model. I present as very, very, straight. All that being said, I still thought it was so funny that it was such a shock to everyone. Why would my sense of style, or my career choice have any bearing on who I’m attracted to, or who I fall in love with? I didn’t think there were any rules to determine what kind of woman could be a lesbian. I quickly learned that both straight people, and people in the LGBT community have ideas of what a gay woman should be, and I’m still having to fight those stereotypes seven years later. All of that makes me it even more important for me to be out and visible, every opportunity I have. 

Despite the initial surprise, many people in my life have supported me unconditionally. My Mom welcomed Steph as another daughter with absolutely no hesitation, and has treated her like her own family since the first time they met. Even my Grandparents who I didn’t think would understand, embraced Steph immediately and were excited to have gained a granddaughter. Today, my Grandma (the only remaining grandparent between the two of us), tells us every time we visit what a lovely couple we are, and how she can see how much we love each other. Steph’s family was amazing as well. They welcomed me easily into their lives, and they’ve never treated me differently for being a woman. We have incredible family members and amazing friends who have always loved and celebrated us. We feel so lucky, and are so grateful for how much support we have received throughout our relationship. It is truly overwhelming at times, and we never take for granted how good we have it. There are so many people in the LGBT community who are unable to come out, or who had painful experiences when they did. I am grateful every day for the privilege I have of living my life openly.

To anyone who may be struggling with their sexuality, or with the idea of coming out to their loved ones, please know that everyone’s journey is different, and everyone’s experience is valid. Take your time and learn to love yourself. When/if you feel safe and ready, share yourself fully and celebrate all that you are. There is so much power in embracing our differences, and I truly believe that the things that make us unique are the things that make us beautiful.

If you’re looking for more information or need support, The Trevor Project has some amazing resources on their website, including information and a 24/7 call/text/online chat line for individual support. You are not alone!

The post Kaitlin’s Coming Out Story appeared first on Lez See the World.