Coming Out as a Femme Lesbian

I (Kaitlin) came out as a lesbian when Steph and I first started dating. I had just turned 22 years old, and it was a hugely transformative time in my life. Steph was my first girlfriend, and our relationship threw me into a whole new world. It was overwhelming, intimidating, and difficult to navigate at times. At the beginning, I experienced a lot of “firsts”. My first time dating a girl, my first time meeting other gay women, and my first Pride as an out lesbian.

I had regularly attended Pride celebrations in my home city of Vancouver, but it had always been with my gay male friends, and straight female friends. I also spent a number of years working at Pride as a performer, and experienced tons of fun weekends on stage dancing with drag queens. I always had a blast, and I always felt comfortable in that space. However, when it came time to attend Pride as a lesbian with my new girlfriend, I was filled with anxiety.

Steph and I had been dating for 6 months when our first Pride together rolled around. She had been my only reference for lesbian things, and I’d spent the last half of a year taking a crash course. We binge watched The L Word, I met her gay hockey teammates, and I tried to get to know other lesbian couples. I entered this new world tentatively, and I really didn’t know if I would ever feel comfortable in it.

When I was introduced to people in the community, they usually didn’t care to even learn my name. Steph was my first girlfriend, I was in my early twenties, and I’m as femme as they come. All of these truths seemed to mean that I didn’t belong. It appeared as though everyone thought I was going through a college age “phase”, and that poor Steph was going to have her heart broken. Inside, I was bursting to defend myself. I knew I had finally figured out who I was, and being with Steph just felt right. Of course at that time, I didn’t know for sure we would live happily ever after (spoiler alert – we did!), but I knew I wanted to be with her. And I knew I was gay.

I present as very feminine, and it made it impossible to convince anybody that I belonged. I grappled with a constant need to prove my gayness, and tried to wiggle my way into a community I so desperately wanted to be a part of. Up until that point in my life, I had never felt a strong sense of belonging. I’d dated men and had a couple of boyfriends, but I always felt different because I liked girls. When I met Steph and came out as a lesbian, I think I just expected to waltz across a rainbow and be welcomed by the gay community with open arms. I was really startled when that didn’t happen.

During my first Vancouver Pride with Steph, we attended a big lesbian party together. I stressed about what to wear and how to act, and I was nervous to be around so many other gay women. At the party, I managed to get hit on by a straight guy (don’t ask me why he was even there). Steph jumped in to explain that we were a couple, and I remember feeling like a complete imposter.

In the years following, Pride continued to be a worrying time for me. I always wanted to just relax and enjoy myself, but I would often end up feeling emotional and withdrawn. I struggled to own my space in the community, and to include myself when I didn’t feel included by others. I was in constant fear that everyone thought I was a fraud. I would tear up watching the parade each year, knowing that being gay was a huge part of me, even if nobody else could see it.

It’s been 8 years since my first Pride weekend with Steph, and I would be lying if I said that these feelings don’t still come up. Though today, I think I can finally say that I don’t feel the need to change who I am to fit into the club. People might always assume that I’m straight. Men may never believe that I have a wife. Other lesbians may still think that I’m too femme to belong. And I think I’m okay with it all. I’ve learned so much about myself in these past 8 years, and I’ve learned to love and accept myself in ways that I never thought possible.

I love that I’m a feminine woman who loves women. I love that I’m married to an incredible woman. I love that I’ve been in a monogamous same-sex relationship for 8 and a half years, and it’s been the healthiest, most fulfilling relationship I could have ever dreamed of. I’ve learned to claim my space in a community that I’m incredibly proud to be a part of. I’ve learned that I don’t need permission from anyone to feel like I’m gay enough. I don’t need anyone’s approval, and I don’t need to fit anybody’s idea of what a lesbian is or should be.

Last year at Vancouver Pride, Steph and I attended that same lesbian party. It was the first time I ever wore a dress to a Pride event, and I showed up unapologetically as my femme self. I am a part of the community because I decide to be a part of it. I’ve found acceptance because I’ve accepted myself. This year and every year following, I’m going to remind myself that I do belong.