7 Ways You Can be More Supportive of the Lesbian Community

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Today, April 26th, is Lesbian Visibility Day. A day to “celebrate, recognize, and bring visibility to lesbians”! In recent years we have seen a lot of progress, including more honest representation of lesbians in mainstream media, the legalization of same-sex marriage in more countries around the world, and other great work that really strengthens us as a community. But of course, there is still more work to be done to have all gay women acknowledged more respectfully. Some things that still need to change are big, but some are small and simple, so we’ve put together a list of 7 easy ways you can be more supportive of the lesbian community! Keep reading!

Stop Calling Other Women Your Wife If They’re Not Your Wife

Using terms like “work-wife, wife, wifey” to refer to your female friend, bestie, or another woman who is not your significant other, completely delegitimizes real relationships between two women. The number of times I have to follow up with an explanation after calling Steph my wife is staggering, because nobody hears that word and realizes what it actually means. When I call Steph my wife, it’s because she is my spouse by law, my significant other, and my legal partner. We are so fortunate and privileged to be able to be wives, and the word is so sacred and special to us. Every time I hear someone throw it around casually, it feels like a small jab. It may seem small, but it is such a disservice to the lesbian community, so please stop saying it!

Stop Assuming Every Woman Has a Boyfriend or Husband

When you make heterosexual relationships the default, it means that people in same-sex relationships are constantly having to correct everyone and out themselves. When asking if a woman has a significant other, using a neutral word like “partner” rather than “boyfriend or “husband”, makes room for all possibilities. Not every woman is or will be in a relationship with a man. Some women are in relationships with other women!

Believe a Woman When She Comes Out as Gay

Without trying to generalize, women often have an additional hurdle when they come out as gay. And this is because, many times they aren’t taken seriously! Many women (myself included) have to answer questions like: “Are you sure this isn’t just a phase?”, “Have you tried dating men? Maybe you just haven’t met the right one yet!”, “Are you sure? You don’t look gay!”, and so on. We always hear the story of the straight woman whose heart got broken by the gay man she fell in love with, but never does she question whether or not he’s really gay! Just as there are men who are solely attracted to other men, there are women who are solely attracted to other women, and they are just as valid.

Stop Assuming Every Lesbian Fits a Lesbian Stereotype

One of the reasons why a lot of gay women aren’t taken seriously, seems to be that some people still have an idea of what they think a lesbian is or should be. And this even happens within the LGBTQ+ community! But the reality is, there is no right or wrong way to be a lesbian. It doesn’t matter how you look, dress, act, or express yourself. It doesn’t matter how long your hair is, what your interests are, or whether or not you present as “feminine”. All gay women are equally valid and they don’t need to fit into stereotypes.

Stop Sexualizing Lesbians

Yes, women are beautiful (we agree), but lesbians do not exist for the male gaze! Women who love other women are SO over sexualized, and we’ve had enough. Lesbian relationships are about more than just sex, and yet we constantly find our relationships being diminished to what happens in the bedroom. I once had a man I’d just met in a work setting, tell me that my wife and I are “every guy’s lesbian fantasy”, as if that was an appropriate compliment. I’ve also found that many men are accepting of our PDA, only because they find it arousing. It’s just another way the lesbian community is not respected and it definitely needs to change.

Stop Asking Who the Man is in the Relationship

This is such a common question for two women in a relationship. Because people are so hung up on the idea of traditional gender roles, they find it hard to understand what role each woman would play in a relationship. But the truth is, there is no man in a lesbian relationship, and that’s the point! My wife and I both consider ourselves to have some traditionally “feminine” qualities, and some traditionally “masculine” qualities, but we both identify as women. Neither one of us takes on a male role in our marriage, and we consider our relationship to be a true partnership of equals.

Stop Assuming That We are Anything Other than a Couple

If we could only count the number of times that strangers ask us if we’re sisters, best friends, roommates, or anything other than a couple. People seem to have such a hard time figuring out what our relation could be because we’re so close, and yet they never assume that we might be together. We look nothing like sisters, even best friends don’t usually hold hands and cuddle in public, and we are quite obviously more than roommates! When we’re travelling, we often get asked if we’re students on a school trip together (and we are definitely not school age anymore!). Maybe people are afraid to assume we’re a couple because they wouldn’t want to offend two people who are NOT in a same-sex relationship, but why would that be offensive? Same-sex relationships are beautiful, normal, and nothing to be embarrassed about!

If you’re a part of the lesbian community and you have anything to add, please leave your thoughts in the comments below! And if you’re not a part of the lesbian community, thank you for listening, we are so grateful for our allies!